Revising essay

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ESSAY MUST BE 2-3 PAGES IN MLA FORMAT (2 pages means the text hits the very bottom of page 2, with 1-inch margins).

Information on MLA format: MLA Formatting.Links to an external site.

DIRECTIONS: Please underline your thesis statement. Put each topic sentence in bold. (A topic sentence is the main idea of each paragraph, that supports the larger thesis.) At the end of your essay, answer the following questions:

1. What aspects of your paper are you proud of?
2. What areas of your paper do you think need the most improvement?
3. What would you most like feedback on, if anything?

the professor told me what i did wrong i just needed it to be fixed in small ways

THIS IS WHAT THE TEACHER SAID

Avoid announcements: “I believe that…”, “In this paper I will…”, “The point of this essay is…”, or “I am going to tell you…”
See the reading “The Thesis” for more information.

The author’s last name and the page number(s) from which the quotation or paraphrase is taken must appear in the text, and a complete reference should appear on your Works Cited page. The author’s name may appear either in the sentence itself or in parentheses following the quotation or paraphrase, but the page number(s) should always appear in the parentheses, not in the text of your sentence. For example:
• Wordsworth stated that Romantic poetry was marked by a “spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings” (263).
• Romantic poetry is characterized by the “spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings” (Wordsworth 263).
• Wordsworth extensively explored the role of emotion in the creative process (263).
Both citations in the examples above, (263) and (Wordsworth 263), tell readers that the information in the sentence can be located on page 263 of a work by an author named Wordsworth.
If readers want more information about this source, they can turn to the Works Cited page, where, under the name of Wordsworth, they would find the following information:
Wordsworth, William. Lyrical Ballads. London: Oxford U.P., 1967. Print.

For more information: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/

When revising, review to make sure that each topic sentence contains a clear idea that supports your thesis, and look for any clutter that can be pruned.

I would love to see more vivid, specific examples!
Rather than make a general statement the reader can’t picture (TELL), attempt to SHOW what you mean through a specific example (and here’s an example):
TELL: Adolescents often make decisions too quickly as they hurry to grow up; however, they often later regret their choices.
SHOW: Adolescents want so much to be independent that they often mimic what they see as adult behaviors; however, few look back on a ninth grade drinking problem or an STD as proof of adulthood.

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