English essay needs to be revised and given a better thesis i have the comments

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Please please please be sure to have carefully reviewed the rubric and minimum requirements prior to submitting. Essays that do not fulfill minimum requirements WILL NOT RECEIVE PASSING GRADES.


Please do the following:

  1. Put your thesis in bold.
  2. Underline your topic sentences.
  3. Highlight your counter arguments.

Answer the following questions at the end of the paper after the Works Cited page:

  1. What are the strongest elements of your paper according to the rubric?
  2. What are the weakest elements of your paper according to the rubric?
  3. If you had more time to work on it, what would you do?


make sure all paragrpahs are 5 sentecnses minummum

Comment #1


The topic sentences were not bolded but I could see what you were trying to get across in your essay, but with that being said I dont think you made an arguable thesis that someone can argue against. The intro was more informative throughout the whole paragraph so I would say try to make it around someone being able to agree or disagree with the topic. You said you felt you could improve on staying focused but I felt you were on topic of your paragraphs and when you gave an example it was there that you were explaining more into detail of what your statics were showing. Three works cited were also used which is what is needed. I couldn’t see counterarguments which can be a good way to show the other side of the story you are telling. A counterargument can be about how the American Dream is not a way people should view everyone or themselves. Other than that the essay had good ideas and statics that tied with your introduction paragraph.

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